


Kintsugi

by paintpot



Series: Kintsugi-Verse [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Past Gabriel/Lucifer, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:28:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24762373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paintpot/pseuds/paintpot
Summary: After Armageddon is canceled, Gabriel's fragile facade finally shatters. Aziraphale helps him pick up the pieces.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Gabriel (Good Omens), Gabriel & Satan | Lucifer (Good Omens)
Series: Kintsugi-Verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2008630
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	Kintsugi

**Author's Note:**

> This is somewhat darker than my other kink meme fills, so I'm posting this separately. Based on [this prompt](https://good-omens-kink.dreamwidth.org/3161.html?thread=2052185#cmt2052185).

Aziraphale dropped the last stack of paperwork on Hadriel’s desk. “There. That should be all of it.”

Hadriel’s mouth tightened as they looked through the forms. “This seems complete. You just need your supervisor’s signature and you’ll be done.”

“Super-“ Aziraphale started, before an unpleasant knot formed in his belly. “Is that really necessary?”

“It’s standard procedure.”

“I’m sure Gabriel doesn’t want to be bothered-“

“Then you’d need to file for an exception, which requires the signature of a different archangel.”

“But I don’t think any of them would want to see me.” Hadriel looked extremely unimpressed by Aziraphale’s dilemma.

“That isn’t my problem. However, I am obligated to inform you that any delays in processing may lead to miracle audits and/or a delay in delivering your final wages.”

Aziraphale didn’t care about the wages, but a miracle audit was a special kind of torture all by itself, so he dragged himself to Gabriel’s office. The door was closed, a strange thing to see. Gabriel typically had an open-door policy, and it was odd to not be able to walk directly in. Aziraphale rapped on the door with his knuckles. No response. “Gabriel?” He called. “Gabriel, are you available?” Aziraphale listened carefully. It sounded like someone was... weeping? Aziraphale’s hand hovered over the latch. Should he go in? No? Yes? Maybe? Aziraphale thought he felt a tiny push at his back, and even though he attributed it to his imagination, he still opened the door. “Gabriel?” He called again.

Gabriel straightened up, inhaling sharply. “What do you want?” He snapped. Aziraphale was taken aback by the coldness in his voice.

"I... need a signature." Gabriel's face hardened, and Aziraphale quickly placed the tablet on the desk before stepping back, clasping his hands.

Gabriel pulled the tablet towards him, skimmed the contents, and scribbled a signature where appropriate. "There." Gabriel tossed the tablet back on the desk. "Now go away and never bother me again."

"Never- But-" Aziraphale opened his mouth to protest, but then he took a closer look at the Archangel. Gabriel looked exhausted and upset, his eyes reddened and his cheeks flushed. “Have you been crying?”

“Why do you care?” Gabriel hissed, venom dripping from his words. “You ruined everything already, so why are you still here? Did you come to rub it in? Stupid, filthy Gabriel has to suffer more so you can get a good laugh out of it?”

“Wha- No!” Aziraphale was extremely confused, and very concerned about Gabriel’s emotional state.

“Then why. Are you. Still. Here?” Aziraphale inched forward, and slid the tablet off the desk.

“I...” Aziraphale’s next words died in his throat. Gabriel was trembling. “Are you all right?” There was a long, terrible silence, before Gabriel made a awful noise like a wounded animal, and crumbled. “Gabriel!” Aziraphale stepped forward, hesitated, stepped back, stepped forward again, moving his hands, torn between offering some kind of comfort and making himself scarce. Gabriel was ignorant of his dilemma, far too busy sobbing into his arms.

Aziraphale was many things, jealous, prideful, perhaps overly fond of good food and comfort, but above all, and most importantly, he was kind. This was how he found himself settling into the chair on the other side of Gabriel's desk and offering the archangel a box of tissues, and his hand. Gabriel ignored the tissues, but hesitantly, tremblingly, took Aziraphale's hand in his. Gabriel’s grip was tight, almost painfully so, but Aziraphale could tell that having his hand was helping ground the distressed angel. They sat there for a long while, and eventually Aziraphale carefully patted Gabriel's hand.

"Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" All this managed to do was send Gabriel into a fresh round of sobbing, and Aziraphale bit his lip, looking around the office. 'Here." He said gently, summoning a soft couch from the ether. "This should be more comfortable, if you'd like to come sit with me." Gabriel allowed Aziraphale to lead him to the couch, pliant, almost doll-like, and Aziraphale grew even more concerned when instead of sitting down next to him, Gabriel climbed into his lap and wrapped his arms around Aziraphale's chest, burying his face in Aziraphale’s shoulder. “All right.” Aziraphale soothed. “You’re all right. You’re safe here, just let it out.” Aziraphale could feel a wet spot growing on his shirt, but he ignored it.

It was a while later when Gabriel finally showed signs of calming down, his breathing slowing, his heart rate gradually decreasing. Aziraphale let Gabriel set the pace, knowing that if he made a wrong move it would only exacerbate Gabriel’s clearly-fragile state. “I never even got to hold him.” Something in Aziraphale chilled at this, even though he didn’t understand it.

“I can listen if you want to talk.” He said carefully. Gabriel shook his head. “Is being with me helping?” A nod. “All right.” Aziraphale gently rubbed Gabriel's back, between where his wings would emerge from if they were visible.

“Is he okay?”

“Who?”

“Adam.” Aziraphale was unsure why exactly Gabriel wanted to hear about Adam, considering the last time Gabriel interacted with the then-Antichrist was to call him a brat for not starting the apocalypse, but he figured that his day couldn’t really get any stranger at this point.

“Adam is healthy, and happy.” Gabriel held on tighter. “He’s well-adjusted to his circumstances. Three good friends and a dog. Two parents who love him.”

“Is he...” Aziraphale let out an ‘eep’ as Gabriel crushed him tight enough to break ribs on a normal human. “Is he safe?”

“Yes. Everything is as it should be.” Aziraphale gentled his tone. “Gabriel? Are you sure there’s nothing you want to talk about?” Gabriel inhaled wetly, scrubbing at his cheeks.

“I... I had never, not before, not with anyone...” Aziraphale had a terrible feeling he knew just what was plaguing Gabriel. “Aziraphale?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think something can ever be so dirty it can’t be made clean again?”

Aziraphale considered his wording carefully. “No. I think that no matter what happens, with enough time and care anything can be made better.”

“Better? Not clean?”

“Sometimes, even if the mark is gone, you still know it was there. That doesn’t mean whatever it is is worthless or ruined. It just has history.”

“Aziraphale?”

“I’m here.”

“...I’m hurting.”

“I hear you.”

* * *

_“There’s something else I’d like to discuss with you, if you wouldn’t mind staying behind?”_

_“Can’t you tell me now?”_

_“It’s something I’d like to go over in private.”_

_“Well, all right. I suppose I can stay.”_

* * *

“You don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to.”

“I...” Gabriel’s voice choked off in a sob. He was curled up in Aziraphale’s lap, wrapped in a soft cashmere blanket. ”I...” Aziraphale unfurled his wings, and wrapped them around Gabriel, who clung tighter. “Someone... forced themself on me.” Gabriel’s voice was quiet and ashamed.

“I’m so sorry.” Aziraphale murmured gently. “Is there anything I can do to help you?”

Gabriel shook his head. “Don’t go. Don’t leave me alone.”

“All right. Anything you need.” They sat like that for a little while, and Aziraphale could sense Gabriel calming down, breathing slower and deeper. Aziraphale kept his voice very gentle. “Can you tell me who it was?”

“It was...” Gabriel rubbed his eyes, and screwed his face up. “...Lucifer.”

“All right. Thank you for telling me.”

"You... you won't tell, will you?" Gabriel suddenly clutched at Aziraphale's vest, eyes desperate. "Please don't tell anyone."

"I won't." They sat in silence for a moment before Gabriel spoke again.

"I didn't mean what I said, when I told you to shut up and die. I was just so angry, at you, at him, at myself, at Mother, I just wanted to take it out on someone. I'm sorry."

Aziraphale considered this for a moment. "I appreciate your apology." He murmured. "What you said was hurtful, I won't lie to you, but it's good of you to take responsibility."

"Can you stay longer?"

"I can stay."

"Thank you." More silence.

“Aziraphale?”

“I’m here.”

“Can I tell you about it?”

“I’m listening.” Gabriel pressed closer, and took a deep breath.

* * *

_It hurt, it hurt, it hurt so badly, why was this happening? Lucifer’s hands were hot, why were they so hot, everything was burning. He was hurting inside, it was dry, everything was so dry and so painful, and his face was wet, and Lucifer still had him pinned down, he was suffocating under Lucifer’s bulk. He had never, never, not ever, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be, he wanted to wait, wanted to find someone he trusted, wanted it to be soft and tender and loving, this was all wrong-_

* * *

“I was downstairs for a meeting, and everything was normal, it was just like it always was, but he caught me afterwards, said he wanted to discuss something else, and I stayed behind until it was just me and him. I remember I took my jacket off while I waited. He said- he said he needed me to do something, and when I asked him what it was he tried to kiss me. I pushed him away but he- he pinned me to the table and he-“

“Take your time.” Aziraphale murmured. Gabriel pulled the tartan blanket closer around him.

“He said- he said he needed me to carry a child for him. I tried to fight him off, I tried so hard, but he... he managed to cut me off from Her Grace, just enough that I couldn’t do miracles. He pulled my clothing off and I... I begged him. I begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t. He- he gave me a-“ Gabriel swallowed heavily. “And- and then he-“ Gabriel had to stop again for a moment, trying to wipe his eyes. “When he- I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t do anything. It was like my body just stopped working. I was so afraid, I thought... I thought I might actually die.

"And I cried. I cried, and cried, and cried, it was all I could do. It was so hot, it was like he was generating heat. It burned when he touched me. He- he kept talking about how good I'd look when it caught. When I... when I swelled with his child, how my breasts would grow, and how he wanted to be there to see it, and I remember thinking how I'd give anything to be back upstairs. I begged Mother to help me. I told her that whatever I had done to deserve this that I was sorry, I was so sorry, that I would come home and be so, so good if only she would make it stop, but she didn't answer.

"He just kept touching me, and touching me. I felt so dirty. He... he touched my face, told me how pretty I looked, how he wished he could be gentle with me. He... he told me if I said I wanted it then he would be gentle, but... I couldn't say it. He got so angry, told me I had been teasing him all this time, that I just needed... needed... needed a good...” Gabriel’s eyes screwed shut, and he spat the next word. “-fucking, to put me in my place. I never meant to tease him, I never meant anything like that, I just... I just..." Gabriel stopped again, tears pouring down his cheeks, and he nestled closer to Aziraphale. “It’s my fault.“ He sobbed.

“No it wasn’t.” Aziraphale said firmly.

“If I hadn’t taken my jacket off-“

“That doesn’t matter.”

“But I trusted him-“

“That doesn’t matter either.”

“But it has to be _something_ I did-”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“But- but-“

“Gabriel.” Aziraphale said firmly, cupping the other angel’s cheek. “Gabriel, I want you to listen to me very carefully. You did nothing to deserve this. It is not your fault. You did nothing to choose this.” Gabriel pressed into Aziraphale’s hand.

“I just feel so guilty. I feel like it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have trusted him, I should have gone back with the others, I should have... I... I...” Gabriel was starting to panic again, Aziraphale could feel Gabriel’s heart rate increase, his breath coming fast and shallow. “I-“ He sobbed. “I feel stupid, and dirty, and weak and- and- and like no one could ever love me again, not like this-“

“All right.” Aziraphale soothed, gently cutting him off. “You’re all right. You're safe here. Let’s breathe. Can you breathe with me?” Gabriel nodded shakily. “Good. In, and out. With me now, in, and out.” Aziraphale guided Gabriel through several deep breaths, never pressing, only remaining a steady presence. “Feeling better?” Gabriel nodded. “Are you ready to keep listening?” Another nod. “All right. You’re not stupid, you’re not weak, and you’re not dirty. You are strong, so strong. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been to carry this. You made it this far, so let me help you now. Shh-“ Aziraphale hushed Gabriel very gently, and the archangel closed his mouth again. “May I finish?” Gabriel nodded “Thank you. There is nothing you could have done to deserve this. It is not your fault for trusting him. It was his choice to break that trust. Every last bit of blame here lies with him, and only him. This is not your fault. And I still love you. This doesn’t change how much I love you.” Gabriel made a soft, tearful sound. “Do you want to say anything?”

Gabriel shook his head. “Will you stay?” The request was a whisper, and Aziraphale’s heart ached.

“Yes, I’ll stay.”

* * *

_Stupid, torn, tarnished, filthy, used, he was too dirty to be loved, how could he go back now, defiled like this? Stained in violence, with the proof still dripping down his thighs? Who could ever want him like this? He was contaminated. Impure._

* * *

“You’re the first person I’ve ever told about this.”

“Well, thank you for trusting me. May I ask why you didn’t tell anyone else?” Gabriel nodded in response.

“When it was over, he just stood up and walked away. I was bleeding, so badly, but there was nothing I could do. So I... I put my clothes back on and I went back upstairs. I went to Michael, I... I was going to tell her, but she congratulated me before I could. Told me how noble I was to help start Armageddon. She said... she said Lucifer had called her, told her I had agreed to do it, that he had discussed everything with me. I... I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. She called a conference, and she announced that I had volunteered to carry the Antichrist. I just... didn’t know what to say. I went back to my office and I cried. I cried until I ran out of tears, and I prayed and prayed that it wouldn’t take, that Mother would spare me from this, but I really was...” Gabriel touched a hand to his middle. “I just never told anyone. I was so ashamed.

“I went to see Raphael after that, but he wanted to look me over before I said anything. When he examined me he thought Lucifer had just been rough, so I didn’t tell him either. And then he told me I really was...” Gabriel took a deep breath, then shook his head. “It’s hard to actually say it.” He chuckled wetly. “Under any other circumstances I would have been so happy to have a baby, but... I just felt dirty, and used. I don’t remember much after that. But... I do remember that when I actually gave birth, it hurt so badly I lost consciousness. And when I woke up, they told me they had gone ahead and sent my baby downstairs. I... I never got to see him. I just... I was upset, and in pain, and there was no baby, and... and... I told myself that it was all worth it, all of it, if it meant Armageddon was on its way. I was furious when you said that it wasn’t Her plan. If it wasn’t, then why did I have to be hurt so badly? It just wasn’t fair.” Gabriel rubbed his eyes.

* * *

_“My baby? Where’s my baby?”_

_“We sent him downstairs. Everything is going according to plan.” His chest hurt. Something wet was on his face. Something burned between his legs._

_“But... I wanted....”_

_“Hmm? Did you say something?”_

_“Never mind.”_

* * *

“I think I’m tired now.”

“I’m not surprised. You’ve cried quite a bit.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s all right. You’ve been very brave.”

“Do you think you could... um... put me to bed?”

“Of course.” Gabriel smiled, something soft and genuine, before Aziraphale finally unwrapped his wings and Gabriel reluctantly extracted himself from Aziraphale’s lap.

"Back here." Gabriel's bedroom was somewhat sparse, but there was a candle shaped like a flower on the nightstand, and an extra pillow or two on the bed. Gabriel stopped in the middle of the room, then turned back to Aziraphale. "Could you wait outside for a moment?" Aziraphale nodded, and went back. The lock clicked softly behind him.

Aziraphale pulled his phone free, and sent a text to Crowley. - _Almost done here_. - Crowley sent back a cake icon and a question mark. Aziraphale didn't know how to respond, so he slid his phone back into his pocket.

Just then, the door opened, and Gabriel poked his head out. "Okay?" Aziraphale asked. Gabriel nodded. Gabriel had changed out of his suit, and was wearing lavender pajamas. Aziraphale noted the feather embroidered on the pocket of the shirt. Gabriel pulled the sheets back, and slid in, curling up on his side, holding a pillow to his chest.

Aziraphale waited for him to settle before he pulled the sheets up over Gabriel's shoulders. Gabriel nestled down, and glanced at the tartan blanket at the foot of the bed. Aziraphale spread that over him too. Gabriel sniffled, and rubbed an eye. Aziraphale knelt down and Gabriel's fingers peeked over the covers. Aziraphale touched their fingers together. "Are you comfortable?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"All right." Aziraphale paused. "If you ever want to talk again, just let me know you're coming, perhaps an hour or two beforehand."

Gabriel's eyes were heartbreakingly hopeful. "Really?"

"Yes."

Gabriel sniffled again. "Thank you."

Aziraphale nodded firmly. "Would you like me to give you a sweet dream?"

Gabriel bit his lip. "Maybe... maybe you could make it so I don't fall asleep right away?"

"Of course." Aziraphale concentrated for a moment.

"A little while after I go, you'll fall asleep and dream of whatever you like best. All right?"

"Yes."

"Good. Rest well." Aziraphale stood up and took his leave, shutting the door behind him. The lock clicked once more. He picked the abandoned tablet off the desk and exited.


End file.
